Cadbury Eggs & My Durex Love Box
by TwiStarJunkie
Summary: O/S-Edward and Bella are married; the only ones in their tightly knit family without kids of their own. Bella wants to try for a baby, and Edward gives in, but things suddenly go from bad to worse. CRACKFIC!


**So, this is just a little festive, lemony O/S that came to mind a few months back.**

**Hope you enjoy it and that you all had a VERY Happy Easter!**

**EPOV**

"Dammit, we should've left fifteen minutes ago!" Bella, my beautiful and yet completely infuriating wife, yelled at me.

"Will you just relax? Everything is loaded up. You know as well as I do that Em and Rose will most likely show up later than us. For God's sake, Bella, it's not like we're missing anything by being late," I argued, watching as she ran between the kitchen, living room, and bedroom, ticking things off of some list in her head.

"You know, for someone that your nieces and nephews fucking adore, you can be a really selfish little shit. They only stay small for so long, Edward. Before you know it, they aren't going to be interested in hunting for Easter eggs."

I hurriedly caught up to her in bedroom, wrapping my arms around her and stopping her in her tracks.

"Selfish? No, I'd just rather stay home and finish what we started this morning. Instead, I've got to go to mom and dad's and put on that rank ass, old bunny suit for the third year in a row."

"You realize," she purred, turning in my arms and kissing me soundly, "that if you'd just give in and agree to try for a family of our own, you could get yourself out of this whole thing, right?"

Not this shit again.

Bella had been pleading and begging with me to start trying for a baby. She'd just turned thirty and was afraid that by the time I came around to her way of thinking, she'd be too old.

As for me, it wasn't that I didn't want children. It wasn't even that I didn't like them. I was just reluctant to start trying because I wanted as much time with my wife—just the two of us—for as long as I could. I'd seen what having children had done to my sister, Alice and her husband, Jasper.

They hardly had time to spend together, alone. And when they did, it was only an hour here or there. Work and the kids kept them so busy that they rarely even took vacations.

However, I loved my wife more than anything in this world and if trying for a baby really meant that much to her, there was no way I could refuse her.

And it would keep me from having to wear that blasted rabbit costume next year; I was fucked this year. There was no way out of it.

With a soft sigh, I brushed my nose against hers, looking into her eyes with all the love I could muster.

Jesus, she was beautiful.

"Okay," I breathed against her lips, watching with satisfaction as her eyes first lit up and then grew teary.

"Really?" she grinned, to which I nodded. Then her lips came down on mine with a ferocity I hadn't ever felt come from her.

Fuck the family get together; I had a job to do.

I lowered my hands from her waist down to her ass and started to squeeze, pulling her tight against me.

The short yellow skirt she had on was driving me flat fucking crazy. Had been since she'd slipped into it this morning.

Just as I began to lift her, she pushed me back and broke our kiss, gasping for air.

"We've got to go, baby," Bella panted, her lips swollen from the intensity of the moment.

"I beg to differ; we've got a baby to make," I growled.

"There'll be plenty of time for that as soon as we get back. Now, the faster we go and get this over with, the faster we can get home and…"

"Get your pretty little ass out to the car. I'll be there in a minute," I hissed, swatting her ass as she giggled and ran out.

If she wasn't going to stay and let me fuck her brains out here, we'd make do there.

So, I walked around to my bedside table and fished my Durex Love Box out of the drawer before heading down to the car.

And before you ask, the only reason I was bringing condoms along was because I wasn't about to have my wife walking amongst family with a mess running down the inside of those milky white thighs.

***~CE&MDLB~***

**BPOV**

"Fuck, Bella, isn't there something I can wear underneath this?" Edward whined petulantly, making me wonder for a moment—a brief moment—about what the hell I was thinking to consider having a child with him.

"Baby, if you put anything on under it, you'll overheat," I told him, feeling bad for him only because it was eighty-five degrees outside, and with Edward being one that overheats easily, I knew he'd be miserable.

"Couldn't be any fucking worse than this itching, and the worst case of blue balls I've ever had," Edward snapped.

Oh, cry me a damn river. I'd lost count of the times that he'd left me throbbing and longing to have him inside me while he rushed off to take care of whatever drilling rig it was that called him out.

Yes, as you probably guessed from that last sentence, my Edward worked in the oilfield. He'd been a roughneck for the first six years of our relationship, and managed to move his way up to field salesman.

I loved the life we'd built together, but now he was gone so often chasing rigs that we barely managed to get time together, just the two of us. It seemed like when he _was _home and it looked like we finally had time to focus on just us, our friends slash family always managed to rope us into group date nights.

I'd been after him for a baby longer than I could remember. I didn't want to pressure him, but I wasn't getting any younger, and to be perfectly honest, I was more than ready to have one and not be left alone at home anymore.

And thinking about all of this was doing nothing but making me hornier by the second.

Believe me, I'd wanted nothing more than to stay home and start making babies, but our nieces and nephews were everything to us, and there was nothing that Edward wouldn't do for those kids.

And it didn't help that he had no option of whether he was going to his parents' house today because he'd been dubbed, _again_, as playing the Easter bunny to the kiddos. Because we were the only couple left in the family with no children of our own, Edward had been stuck with the job for the past few years.

He hated it, but there was no one else to take his place.

I had no idea what we would do once we did have our own children. Unless, Carlisle—Edward's father—stepped up and took his place.

"Have you checked to make sure the sound box is working?" I asked him, desperately needing to change the subject.

Inside the suit and in the palm of the right hand was a small sound box. Whenever Edward would make a fist, a previously recorded sound clip of some geeky asshole saying 'Happy Easter', 'How many eggs have you found', and 'Have you been good or bad' would play out. From what I understand, Emmett—my brother—had found it online somewhere.

All the kids fell for it; it was just up to Edward to play the right clips at the right time, and so far, he'd done a great job.

However, I had a gut feeling that something wasn't going to go right.

"Yeah, it's working, but I don't think Mom and Dad washed this damn thing after I sweat my ass off in it last year; it fucking reeks inside here."

"Edward, stop bitching. One of the kids could pop in here at any second," I warned him.

"Well, I sure as hell hope not. That would fuck up their ideas of the Easter bunny for years, not to mention piss off our siblings," he laughed for a second before resuming the position of scratching his ass.

Wow, _that's_ attractive; how did I _ever_ get so lucky?

To clear up the 'our siblings': Edward's sisters, Alice and Rosalie were married to my brothers, Emmett and Jasper. For anyone that didn't know our full history or anything, I would assume that it would be confusing as all hell at first.

"Okay, babe, lay one of your sweet kisses on me before I put this torture device of a mask on. God knows you won't come anywhere near me when I'm done in a few hours until after I've showered."

I smiled and did just as he asked, and as I pulled away, I whispered the same thing I always did before walking out of the room. "Save me a couple of those Cadbury Crème eggs Mr. Bunny."

"Oh, I've got a few Crème eggs for you all right," he answered smugly, grabbing at his balls through the suit.

I couldn't say I'd ever gotten _that _as a response from him before, and now—thanks to him—I was never going to be able to look at Cadbury eggs the same way again.

***~CE&MDLB~***

**EPOV**

I'd had it with this fucking suit. As soon as the kiddos went down for naps and all that good shit, I was having a talk with Mom and Dad. Even if it wasn't me that was stuck in this position next year—and I pray it wasn't—they needed to look into finding and buying a new costume. This one wasn't breathable and was hotter than a mother fucker inside.

Hell, it had given me a bad case of swamp ass within the first twenty minutes of having it on, and I'd been in the contraption for a solid hour and a half now.

So far, I'd done my rounds and talked to all the kiddos, which by the way, all were under the age of eight. All that was left was the actual Easter egg hunt.

And for that, I was actually granted a small break. One which I fully intended to put to use.

"How goes it, Ed?" Emmett bellowed with a ribbing tone as he caught up with me in the garage where I was currently airing my ass out in front of the box fan.

"Fuck you, man," I growled, my voice coming out muffled as I glanced at him through the screen windows of the mask slash helmet slash hell hat. "I'm so over this crap. Next year, Dad's putting his cheerful ass in this suit if I have anything to say about it."

"Dude, you know that you aren't getting out of this until Bells pops out an Ed, Jr."

"Who says she won't be?"

"Whoa!" his eyes widened comically as he all but spewed beer on the suit. "Bells is pregnant?!"

"No, dipshit! And would you keep your voice down?" I hissed, landing a solid punch to his arm, which resulted in the sound box going off with 'Happy Easter'. Fuck my life. "She isn't pregnant. We just agreed to start trying, and I swear, if that big mouth of yours breaths a word of it to anyone I'll tell Rose exactly where it is you've been every Friday night for the past month."

That caused him to shut his mouth and walk off without another word because he knew I had him. He'd gotten into trouble with her last year for gambling away all of his annual bonus from work. So instead of being truthful with her, he'd been lying for the past month about heading over to the small casino downtown to play Texas Hold 'Em. Bella and Alice knew about it, but they had already promised not to say a word; claiming it would be fucking epic when Rose busted him on her own.

And I had to agree.

"Well, baby, I'm glad to say that you're officially on break. All the eggs have been hidden and Esme is now gathering the kids up to hunt," Bella murmured as she walked into the garage.

Sweeter words had never been spoken.

With a growl, I took her by the hand and jerked her behind me as I made a beeline for the shed at the back of the house. "It's about damn time."

No one ever hid anything at the back of the house. I don't know why, they just never did, which made my plan fail proof.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

"If you think I'm waiting another five or six hours to bury myself inside you, you've got another thing coming. I've been fighting a raging hard on since we left the damn house," I mumbled.

"Are you crazy?" she half-shrieked, half-laughed. "What if the kids…"

"No one's going to come looking back here, Bella."

Now at the back of the house, in front of the shed, I wasted no time in pushing Bella to the ground, putting her on all fours.

Oh yeah, she was more than fucking ready for me, especially if the look she was giving me over her shoulder was of any indication.

"You realize how disturbing this is, right?" she purred.

"What are you talking about?" I questioned, struggling with all my might to rip the offending front flap open and reaching for the Love Box that I'd tucked into the back of my boxers.

Fuck! Where did it go?!

"Well, it's not every day that I get nailed by the Easter Bunny."

"Babe, we got a problem," I groaned, completely ignoring what she'd said.

"Yeah, I know. Now hurry the fuck up, white rabbit," she replied, wiggling her perfectly rounded ass against my hardened cock.

"One, you're confused. We are not, nor have we ever been in Wonderland. And two, I lost my fucking Love Box."

"Why the hell do you need it if we're going to start trying for a baby? Why not start now?"

"Need I state the obvious? You're wearing a skirt and…"

"We're running out of time, dammit," she bit out.

Oh, fuck it!

Not even bothering to push the fucking contraption off of my head, I shoved the hem of her shirt up and over her ass just enough to permit my leaking dick room.

With a deep breath, I moved my pelvis back just a fraction before surging forward and sheathing myself inside her completely, all in one movement.

My hands grabbed at her hips as the blasted sound box started going off with each flex of my hands.

I was too damn frustrated and aroused to be bothered by it as I relentlessly pounded into her, her screams and moans only spurring me on further and really pushing it in regards to how loud we could be without getting caught.

"Harder, baby…._Unf! Fuck!_" Bella whimpered, pushing her ass into me as she spread her legs a bit wider for deeper penetration and arched her back.

Her wish. My command.

Needing to see the look in her eyes, I leaned over her, putting my chest to her back and grabbing her full breast in one hand.

I could feel her walls beginning to clench sporadically around me and the coil deep in my groin tightening.

"Touch yourself, Bella," I breathed, loud enough for her to hear me.

And just as I felt the coil snap and her sweet pussy clamp down on me, a simultaneous, foreign scream rung out.

One not belonging to me or Bella.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Fucking shit!

"Mommy! Daddy!" Little Constance hollered out in fear. Her blonde curls bouncing as she ran, leaving her Easter basket on the ground.

Bella had ripped away from me before I could even think of a response.

"For fuck's sake, Edward! Get your ass up and close the fucking flap!" she chastised.

Feeling guilty as all hell, I slowly rose to my feet and did as she said.

Just in time for Emmett, Dad, and Alice come bounding around the corner.

***~CE&MDLB~***

**BPOV**

This wasn't happening.

Someone tell me this wasn't happening!

But it was.

I'd never forget the shrill scream Constance had unleashed at the sight of what I'm sure will haunt her dreams for months to come.

All because I'd been a horny bitch and let Edward talk me into fucking out behind the house in broad daylight.

That would be the last time I ever listened to him.

"Looking for this, son?" Carlisle asked Edward sternly, holding his…oh my God.

The Durex Love Box.

Shit, how the hell did Carlisle have it?!

"I cannot believe you two. Please tell me that what we were just told isn't true…" Alice said, shaking her head as she eyeballed me hard.

"What exactly were you told?" I asked, feeling Edward, or rather, a very furry Edward, come to stand against my back.

"Only that Aunt Bella was on the ground and was crying because the Easter Bunny was on top of her and wouldn't let her go. That he kept saying Aunt Bella had been naughty."

Fuck. Edward's sound box. God dammit!

"Oh, and the condoms? Constance found those too. They were in her basket. She picked them up on the way back here and said she thought they were candy. I think it's obvious what was going on out here, but seriously, what in God's name were you two thinking?!" Emmett roared. "My little girl is inside the house right now, terrified because she thinks you were fucking hurting Bella, Edward! And take that damn mask off, you're starting to creep me out."

"Look, the kids never come back here because you guys never hide shit out here. It's always been in the front. And to be quite honest, I'm sick of wearing this shit. Bella and I…."

"Don't," Bella whispered, tugging on my suit. "Well, we sure as hell couldn't do anything in the house! Besides, its not like any of you have never engaged in public sex! Emmett, you especially! I'm sorry that she caught us, but I'm not going to apologize for wanting…"

"The Easter bunny?" Emmett asked with a cocked brow.

Shit.

It really does sound bad.

I turned to glance at Edward, who had finally taken the contraption off of his head.

Then as if on cue, we all erupted into laughter.

"Dude, when you finally do take that shit off tonight, burn it. In the case one of us have to wear it next year, I don't want your jizz festering in the fabric."

"Oh my god, Emmett! Really? That's sick!" Alice whined, burying her face in her hands.

***~CE&MDLB~***

The repercussions of that day had continued for two solid months after. Edward and I had been sentenced by the family to babysitting duties for all five nieces and nephews every damn weekend.

I mean, we loved spending time with the kids, but after learning that I was pregnant a month after Easter—go figure, right?—we just wanted some time alone. Time to celebrate.

We hadn't told anyone in the family as we wanted to fulfill our punishment so that when we did tell them, we would have good reason to disappear on vacation.

Something we'd done two days ago.

Everyone in the family was over the moon. Only sad thing was that they all knew exactly how and when our child had been conceived and I dread the day that we have to tell him or her the story.

And what's funny is that Edward is more excited about my being pregnant than I ever thought he would be.

I think I fell more in love with him each day. To see him so happy filled my heart with love.

Though there was one thing that Carlisle and Esme had filled me in on before Edward and I left for vacation.

Our child would still be an infant when Easter rolled around, meaning he or she wouldn't be able to participate in any of the activities.

Their plan?

Looked like Edward was going to be reprising his role of the Easter Bunny.

And who knows…maybe, just maybe, we would conceive child number two.

**What'd you think?**

**Leave some love!**

**T**


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